Pandemic and Mental Illness

Pandemic.

Just the word ignites panic, fear, and doubts. For someone who struggles with mental illness or even chronic illness, that word also brings havoc to mental health.

As someone who struggles with anxiety disorders and even diagnosed subclinical OCD, I ask that you PLEASE be patient with us. Whether you are concerned about the virus or you are one who thinks it’s all a hoax, the threat can be very real in our minds. Not only that but whether we want to or not, our minds may constantly be racing with thoughts pertaining to the pandemic. Sure, limiting exposure to media is helpful to a degree but there is still evidence of the pandemic everywhere you go.

I have noticed myself developing obsessive behaviors and thought patterns surrounding the pandemic. I read article after article, watch video after video, and can’t help but do mental checklists constantly to ensure that I am healthy and safe. I struggle with medical/health anxiety as it is, and THIS has made it flare up even worse. I constantly want to check my temperature to make sure that I’m in a safe range, and I’m becoming scared to leave my house. These are things we SHOULD be concerned about given the current state of things, but when it becomes obsessive and the only thing your mind can think about, it’s damaging.

I’ve already been over cautious and scared of the coronavirus, but when you see that every single store is completely out of essentials, it only makes the anxiety worse. So please stop hoarding things if you don’t actually need them. I’m one of those people that likes to be prepared for any situation, I’m what some may call an over-packer. To see all of these items completely wiped out can be terrifying. My mind then races with all of the “what if” scenarios, and it can become debilitating if I let it.

So to all of my fellow people out there struggling with their mental health in this crisis, here are the ways I’m trying to get through it that might be of help for you too.

  1. Pray.
    1. Whether you are a follower of Christ or not, praying to your higher power can bring so much peace. To know that I don’t have control over anything is scary, but to know that God is in control eases my mind and body. My spiritual walk is a rollercoaster, some days are better than others, but knowing that I am still loved by God brings comfort and ease of mind.
  2. Rest.
    1. Rest has been exceptionally challenging for me in the past 2 months as I have not been sleeping well. Rest is CRUCIAL for not only your physical health but your mental health too. When I don’t get enough good rest, my anxiety and depression are two-fold. Do your best to get enough sleep.
  3. Get outside.
    1. I’ve discovered in the past 6 months that getting outside and taking a walk, helps me tremendously. It helps me to clear my head, focus in prayer, and get the excess adrenaline out of my system. Not to mention the fresh air and sunshine (when the sun is out), is super uplifting.
  4. Keep a Normal Routine.
    1. If there is anything I learned in my 2 months off of work for IOP, it’s that keeping a normal daily routine is very important. If you’re off work or school for an extended period, like I am now, keeping a normal routine will be vital to keeping your sanity. Get up at a decent time, shower, get dressed, get ready for the day even if you’ll be at home with nowhere to go. Just doing those simple tasks, can make the world of difference to how you feel physically and mentally. Of course, it’s important to take some days here and there to stay in your pajamas and watch movies, but if you can keep some structure to your days, it will help tremendously with your mental health.
  5. Reach Out.
    1. I hate that the media is throwing around the term “isolation”. We are so fortunate to live in a time where the people we love are just a text message or video chat away, no matter the distance. Social distancing is important and crucial to keep the virus from spreading, yes, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still have valuable connections with those we care about. Text, call, dm, or video chat the people you care about and talk about something unrelated to the pandemic at hand. Yes, expressing our concerns and fears with others is important for our mental health, but don’t let the conversations be solely about that topic.
  6. Have Some Fun.
    1. If I’m going to be distanced socially from others, and I’m having to stay home out of work for four weeks, I’m going to have to get creative and make things fun. Don’t let boredom overcome you, as I often allow it to overcome me. I plan to take some time to read, watch movies and tv shows, write, and play way more hours of The Sims 4 than I care to admit. Allow yourself space to have some fun. Watch a funny show or movie, play a video game or board game, read that book that’s been on your shelf for years, learn a new talent. There are so many possibilities and I’m excited about all of them.

Those are just some of the things I plan to implement in my time off of work during this crazy pandemic, and I hope it can be helpful for others out there who are struggling with their mental health during this time too.

If you are someone who is blessed to be in a good place mentally right now, then please make sure to reach out to those you know who may be struggling. Sometimes when our mental health is suffering, we do isolate. Reach out to us. Offer encouragement, support, and a listening ear. But most importantly, have patience. Our fears, thoughts and even behaviors may seem irrational and over the top, to you, but to us they are very real. Have compassion and patience. But also know how and when to give us a good dose of reality too. It’s a scary world we live in, especially now. We all need each other.

If you have any other ideas for making this time off of work even better, or you just want to share how you are dealing with this pandemic, feel free to share them with me! Stay safe and healthy! Thank you for reading my rambles.

iocdf.org/covid19

Stuck.

I’ve had a few people ask me as to why I haven’t made any recent blog posts. In three words, I’ve felt stuck.

I have been dealing with some personal and health/sleep struggles. In all honesty, I’ve felt stuck in almost every area of my life, feeling as though I have no idea where to go next. To say that it’s been frustrating would be an understatement. So with that being said, I have been taking a break from writing/publishing blog posts.

In all honesty, I’ve been so exhausted that I can barely make it through the day, let alone use my brain to think about what to write. Don’t get me wrong, I love writing. Writing is my main creative outlet. Writing is the way in which I am able to make sense of everything bustling around in my head. So… I won’t be gone for long. For the time being, I need to press pause and take a break. I am working hard to be able to find adequate rest. I now have some sense of direction in how I will go about that (praise God!), some answers that most certainly will help, and I have hope that I will return to writing in the very near future. So for now… I say, I will see you soon!

Thank you for reading my rambles.

Walking On Water

I’m not going to lie, life has been challenging for me recently. Especially in the past few weeks I have noticed a major shift in myself. December of 2019, I was feeling confident. I was confident in my faith and where it was heading. I was confident in my jobs. I was confident in my health and caring for myself. Overall I felt confident in life. I was keeping my focus on Jesus and the work He was doing.

As January rolled around, however, life began to pick up pace. I ended up getting caught up in my schedule and specific struggles that God was bringing to my attention. I got hyper-focused on the struggles and lost my focus on Jesus. Satan began attacking me and doubts, fears, depression and anxieties crept in… well, flooded in. I lost all confidence in myself, my health, my work, and my faith. I began to neglect my health. I stopped reading God’s word and praying for other people as much as I had been. In reality, I stopped caring. I just wanted to escape.

It’s no surprise that when my chronic illness hit me full force, my body got wiped out. Not only that, I put myself through so much anxiety and stress from focusing on those specific struggles, that my body began to fall apart…again. My muscles were aching, weak and sore, my digestion was all out of sorts, and my energy was nonexistent. While some of those symptoms are from my chronic illness, I know they were intensified by the stress I put myself under.

While I was in the upswing of my energy returning, after taking several days off of work, the story of Jesus walking on the water came to my mind through a song I had been playing on repeat. Let’s take a look at it below in Matthew 14:

22 Immediately he made the disciples get into the boat and go before him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowds. 23 And after he had dismissed the crowds, he went up on the mountain by himself to pray. When evening came, he was there alone, 24 but the boat by this time was a long way[b] from the land,[c] beaten by the waves, for the wind was against them. 25 And in the fourth watch of the night[d] he came to them, walking on the sea. 26 But when the disciples saw him walking on the sea, they were terrified, and said, “It is a ghost!” and they cried out in fear. 27 But immediately Jesus spoke to them, saying, “Take heart; it is I. Do not be afraid.”

28 And Peter answered him, “Lord, if it is you, command me to come to you on the water.” 29 He said, “Come.” So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water and came to Jesus. 30 But when he saw the wind,[e] he was afraid, and beginning to sink he cried out, “Lord, save me.” 31 Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” 32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased. 33 And those in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

I resonate with Peter on so many levels. I too have felt the confidence of trusting in Jesus and stepping out in faith, as I was doing at the end of 2019 and early 2020. Like Peter, I focused on the storms around me and became fearful and anxious. I too lost sight of Jesus face, His glory, His power, and His love. I began to sink. And like Peter, when everything became too much for me to handle, when I was sinking in my health conditions, anxiety and depression, I cried out to Jesus. And He reached His hand out to me and blessed me with this story of Him and Peter.

I don’t think it’s any coincidence that this Bible story came to mind during this time in my life. I know the Holy Spirit was trying to tell me something here.

I see very clearly now what happens when I take my eyes off of Jesus. The second we take our eyes off of Jesus and our identity as a son or daughter of God, we begin to doubt. Fear and depression rolls in, we lose hope, and we sink. For me, personally, sinking comes in the form of uncontrollable anxiety, depression and physical pain. My mind and body literally fall apart when I lose sight of my savior for even a brief moment. For others it could be a bad attitude, snarky comments to those they love, falling back into addiction or making quick decisions. These things don’t creep in over time, they can flood in the second satan is able to get our eyes off of Jesus. It can happen just that quick.

The story of Peter above gives so much hope. I think it shows a wonderful picture of the love Jesus has for us. He didn’t yell at peter for doubting. He didn’t scold him, or punish him for losing sight of Him and sinking. It says, “Jesus immediately reached out his hand and took hold of him, saying to him, “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” 32 And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.” Jesus immediately reaches his hand out to peter and holds him. Yeah, He says “O you of little faith, why did you doubt?” But He doesn’t yell at Peter, He simply poses a question to get Peter thinking. What a beautiful picture of how He rescues us when we are sinking.

I don’t know about you, but I tend to beat myself up when I lose sight of Jesus and end up going through these painful, difficult periods. I often feel as though I should be punished or am being punished for losing sight of Him. But that’s not what Jesus wants for us. He wants to grab us, hold us, and calm the storm going on around or in us. What an amazing God I serve, that when I mess up, when I leave Him, or stop pursuing Him, He doesn’t give up on me, rather He reaches out to me. I take so much comfort in that mental picture of Jesus reaching out His hand to me and holding me as I am sinking in the struggles of this broken world.

I won’t lie, I’m still struggling and working on getting better physically and mentally after this rough patch. It will take time to fully bounce back so I still appreciate your prayers. I know the consequences of losing sight of Jesus, and I don’t want that to happen again. Will I mess up again? yes. I’m human. But what a comfort to know that God loves me enough to reach out to me and He wants to calm the storms even when I rebel or allow satan to take over my mind.

I hope this gives you some sort of peace and comfort, as it has to me. When I feel my anxiety boiling up, or my body is drained and exhausted down to the bone, I can imagine Jesus reaching His hand out to me and holding me through it all. I hope that you can too when you go through a rough patch or difficult season. Jesus isn’t leaving you to drown, He’s right there reaching out His hand to hold you.

The song that spurred the Spirit to remind me of this story is called “Safe” by neon Feather.

Thank you for reading my rambles.

One Month Off of Social Media

Well, we are officially one month into 2020 and it is already shaping up to be a wild ride. If you read my post at the beginning of January, you may remember that one of my biggest challenges I have given myself for this year, is to stay off of all social media, including: Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I’ve had several people ask me how this is going and if I really intend to stick it out the entire year. Before I get into my update with how I am doing with this challenge, I want to give a little context as to how and why this goal came to be.

Ever since I first got my facebook account back in 2009 at the age of 14, facebook has been an escape for me. When I was feeling sad, I’d scroll on facebook. When I was bored, I’d scroll on facebook. When I was tired, facebook. You get the picture. As I got older and more social media platforms came to be, that sense of escape only grew. I now had even more places online that could take up my time and help me to escape what was happening in my own world and within my mind.

I’ve been aware of how dangerous these apps can be for me since high school when I bought myself my very own laptop. Before this purchase, the only way I was able to waste my time on these sites was via the family desktop computer (what a time to be alive). Now that I had my own device, I could get on them basically as much as I desired. And so I did…

As I was growing in my faith in high school, I began to become aware of how toxic social media can be and how much time I was wasting on it. But, my world was also crashing in around me, repeatedly during that season. So even though I knew it was not a great place to turn, I continued to turn to it as my escape. Social media didn’t become my only form of escape that would grip hold of me, but it definitely has made rank as one of the strongest.

As people my age began to have smart phones, in which these social media sites could now be easily viewed anywhere, I knew in my heart that I shouldn’t have one. So I refrained and stuck with my old slide out keyboard cell phone all the way until I was a freshman in college. My reasoning for giving in was that I needed the navigation feature as I was going to school away from home.

Social media already had a hold on me, but once I introduced the smart phone into the mix, it only held on tighter. Life didn’t seem to slow down or ever get any easier and so I continued to use social media to escape. I continued to feel convicted time and time again about the foothold this had in my life, but I also continued to ignore it. It was, after-all, my security blanket.

It wasn’t until I took an addictions class for my degree, that I began to realize that this grip that social media had on me was actually an addiction. I still hesitate to use that word, but when I actually analyze the vice that it had (and still has), I can’t classify it any other way. According to Webster dictionary, an addiction is “a compulsive, chronic, physiological or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity having harmful physical, psychological, or social effects and typically causing well-defined symptoms (such as anxiety, irritability, tremors, or nausea) upon withdrawal or abstinence the state of being addicted.”

In this class we were required to give something up that we use on a daily basis for a week’s time. We had to note anytime we felt the urge to engage in the thing we gave up, and then write a paper about how it went. This project was for us to get a tiny glimpse of what addiction is like for those who are addicted to substances, and it was so powerful. But as powerful as it was, I continued on with my social media use once the project was over.

As God continued to lay it on my heart over the next few years, I would make small changes to help ease that tension I felt. I’d go through periods of not allowing myself to have any of the apps on my phone, or I’d even take some time off here and there. But none of that did anything for me. Sure, I read more books and had less screen time, but I never allowed it to draw me closer to the one calling me to give it up in the first place. And in all reality, it wasn’t much of a challenge or sacrifice when I knew that I’d be able to get on in a week or month, whatever I had chosen to do.

Which leads me to my decision to take the entire year of 2020 off of all social media. This was purely by the work of God. As I mentioned, this is an issue that God has been trying to reveal to me for years now. It wasn’t until I began to fervently seek after Him towards the end of 2019, that I knew the reason He was calling me to give it up. Because the reality is that God doesn’t want just the leftover moments at the end of our day. He wants ALL of the moments of our day. He doesn’t want us to use other things as an escape from this troubling life because as is stated in Isaiah, He wants to help us in the midst of those troubles. Isaiah 41:10 states, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” God didn’t and doesn’t want me to have or use a “security blanket”. He wants to BE my “security blanket”.

So as I began to process the year of 2019 and started to look forward to what I wanted 2020 to look like, I knew I wanted this new year to be full of Jesus in my life. I knew that if I wanted my life to be full of Jesus, I’d have to make some sacrifices. The Holy Spirit kept prompting me to take the year off of social media. It typically came in the form of the thought running across my mind every now and again. The more I tried to brush it off the more it would appear. So I had some conversations with God that typically went like this: “I hear you, but do I really have to take the WHOLE year off?”

I didn’t want to. My best friends just had their first child, friends are getting married or engaged, and let’s be honest, the best way to stay up to date with people we care about is by social media. I didn’t want to risk missing out on those things, and ultimately becoming a forgotten friend whose relationships vanished because I wasn’t kept in the loop of their lives. But the more I pushed back, the more He persisted.

So here I am, one month in to this year long social media fast. I’ll be honest, it has been way more challenging than I ever anticipated. I knew that going off of social media for the entire year would be hard, but I thought “I’ve gone a month off here and there and it wasn’t that bad, so I’ll be fine.” I was so wrong. You know how I gave the definition of addiction previously? Yeah, I never truly knew just how much power social media has had over my life until this past month. I truly am addicted to social media.

You might be wondering, “So, if you’re addicted, then you’re telling me you went through withdrawals?” And to that I would say, “Yes!” The first week was relatively okay. I took it day by day and that helped tremendously. But as the second week began, I started to become more negative, irritable, on edge, anxious, and even started to feel the negative lies of depression flooding my mind. You see, I had given up social media, but had done it reluctantly and the enemy had started planting bitterness, doubt and fear into my heart.

So I knew that I had to make a conscious effort to pursue God and to let this fast be used for His glory. I let my accountability partners know that I was struggling with these thoughts and attitudes and asked for prayer. And I began to ask God to move in me again. Things “clicked” at the second week mark, and I found my joy for life outside of social media.

I’m not saying I don’t struggle. I’ve definitely caved and given in to temptation more times than I care to admit. I’ve logged into facebook, scrolled a bit on my newsfeed and then quickly felt the guilt of not trusting God to meet my needs for connection. But that goes to show that this fast is doing it’s job so far in that it is drawing me closer to God and teaching me more about myself.

Through my journey so far, I have learned that I have FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out). I hate not being in the loop of peoples lives that I care about so deeply. I fear that I will be forgotten or that my relationships will fade. It’s teaching me to be even more intentional about community and investing in the people I love so deeply. It’s also teaching me that I have a deep seated desire for attention and love from others that I tried to fill via likes, comments and follows (that one was a punch to the gut).

Most importantly, I’m learning, that even if those very fears do become reality amongst this process and season of fasting, it is in God’s perfect plan for my life. It would just mean that He would use it as a way to weed through the relationships that are hindering my growth rather than encouraging it. And even though that would be very painful, it would be worth it. So far this fast is teaching me to lean more on my savior, and THAT is the reason I’m going through with this challenge for the entire year of 2020.

I will update you all again on this topic when we hit the 3 month, 6 month and 12 month marks. Thank you for reading my rambles.

If You are Praying For a Good Year…

As we are in the start of a new year, I often hear people hoping and even praying that this new year would “be good to them”. It’s completely understandable. Who wouldn’t want to ask God for a good year? If you didn’t want that, I would probably be a bit concerned at your lack of optimism. But this brings an important question that I haven’t heard very many people discuss. What are we really asking God for when we pray for things to be good?

I’ll be honest with you, I used to pray these prayers almost daily, until about six to eight months ago when I had a lightbulb go off in my mind as I was going through my usual prayer routine. Around this time I was being awakened to the goodness of my Heavenly Father and His love for me. My eyes were beginning to open to the many ways He shows His love. I began questioning myself on why I would pray for my day to be good, when I knew in my heart that God is good and whether or not a day is “good” is solely contingent on how I choose to view the day and the day’s events.

When we ask God to bless us with a “good” day, week, month or even year, are we really asking for it to be good or are we asking for it to be easy? I know for me personally when I was praying those types of prayers, it wasn’t me praying to God that I would see His goodness around me, but that I wanted things to be easy for me. To me easy equaled good. But that isn’t the message we get from scripture about life here on earth. When diving deeper into this very topic I had three truths jump out at me…

1. God is Good

Let’s first look at what scripture says is “good”. In Genesis we see that after each day and thing God created He called it good. So God’s creation is good, or at least it was before sin took over. Even greater than creation being good, we see in scriptures time and time again that God is good. God the creator of all things is good.

Nahum 1:7 (ESV)
The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; he knows those who take refuge in him.

Psalm 145:9
The Lord is good to all, and his mercy is over all that he has made.

The topic of God’s goodness is seen regularly throughout scripture, and is often followed up with a quality about Him that helps show His goodness. Sometimes the phrase is also followed up with a quality that believers should have to glorify our good God. Both of these qualities are seen in these verses.

2. Christians are Called to Suffering

We are also told in scripture that those who follow Christ will endure suffering. It’s inevitable that we will struggle and suffer because we live in a broken, sinful world. Whether or not we look back on our day, week, month or even year and the hardships we endure, and see it as good, is our own choice.

Jeremiah 29:11 (ESV)
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

I love this verse because it blatantly tells us that God’s plans are not evil or bad, but that His plans are good and full of hope. Evil things may happen in this world, but God’s plans are NOT evil or ill-willed for us. He can turn every “bad” or evil situation into good.

James 1:2-4 (ESV)
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

This passage always left me slightly confused. I had heard many people preach this passage, or share it with others who are going through something hard in life; however, I never fully understood what “steadfastness” meant. According to my study ESV Bible, steadfastness is “a life of faithful endurance amid troubles and afflictions”. The oxford dictionary definition of steadfastness is “The quality of being resolutely or dutifully firm and unwavering.” Thus, when we face trials, it may be hard, but it produces a faith in us that grows stronger and can’t be broken and that is good.

Romans 5:3-5
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

This passage always shook me to my core. Rejoicing in our sufferings? Are they kidding? But then In a book I’ve been reading here and there over the past few months (yes I said months, don’t judge me for my ADD), the author, Lysa Terkeurst talks about this very subject of suffering and God’s goodness. In reference to John 9 in which Jesus heals the blind man who has been blind since birth, she writes:

“This man’s blindness-his own form of hardship and long-suffering – wasn’t because of choices he made or ones his parents made. This suffering was placed on him. But it was for a reason. He was handpicked to display the works of God. Through his story Jesus would shine the light of truth and hope for others lives to not be so dark. And then Jesus brought healing out of the man’s brokenness”(TerKeurst, 2018, pg. 133).

The reality is that we all suffer and struggle on this earth, and suffering sucks. But if we can get to a place in the midst of our suffering or even when we finally get out of our suffering, to see the goodness in it, that is glorious. Sometimes it might take us asking God why we are having to endure what we are enduring, and sometimes we may not get an answer for years. Please don’t grow hard or cold to the possibility of goodness coming from your pain though. This quote from TerKeurst left a profound impact in the way I view the hardships and challenges in my life, my day and my year. God can use anything in our lives for the goodness of His glory, to help others, and to shine His light in a dark world. I used to think God had left me to suffer on my own, when in reality my suffering could very well be the thing used to draw me closer to Him.

3. God is in Control

God created everything that is good. We learned that God is good. We know that life on this earth comes with suffering. And we also see over and over in scripture that God is in control. So If God is good, and God is in control, then the sufferings we endure can and will be used for good.

Romans 8:28 (ESV)
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

“All things work together for good”, this implies that everything, even the hard and painful things are a part of something that is good. It may not be easy, but it is still good.

Romans 11:36 (ESV)
For from him and through him and to him are all things. To him be glory forever. Amen.

Again, this shows that God has His hand in all things, and He has a good plan.

So this all brings me back to my original question. When we are praying for our day, week, month, or year to be “good”, what is it that we are really asking for? We’ve seen in scripture that God is good and goodness comes from God. We see that we are called to suffering and it is inevitable. And we also see that God is in control. By praying for our day, week, month or year to be good, we are essentially missing out on the opportunity and responsibility as believers to look for God’s goodness around us.

For my own personal journey, I switched my prayers for things to be good to asking God to show me His goodness all around me. I began to pray for God to give me His eyes to see His love, beauty and goodness in all situations and people I come in contact with. Once I started praying those prayers instead, I began to see and feel the work of the Holy Spirit all around me in ways I never had before. I began to see God’s love for not only myself but everyone I came in contact with. By praying to have eyes like our Father’s, I am able to see the hard things around me in a new light, full of hope. This realization and hope helps me to look ahead to this new year with excitement for ALL that it will bring, the fun and exciting, and the scary and challenging. For I know that no matter what this year brings me, it will be used to glorify God who is good. I hope and pray that for all of you too.

I encourage you to reflect on your own prayer life. Let me know what you are praying for this new year! This is just something I have been realizing in my own personal journey, so I would love to hear your input.

Thank you for reading my rambles.

Resources
TerKeurst, Lysa. Its Not Supposed to Be This Way: Finding Unexpected Strength When Disappointments Leave You Shattered. Nelson Books, an Imprint of Thomas Nelson, 2018.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j25JqWgjDF4

Hello 2020,

It’s so nice to see you; however, I’ll be honest with you in that I’m a little nervous for what could be in store in this new year. No matter how much I plan, hope and dream for things to work out, the reality is that I’m never really in control. It’s definitely a scary and anxiety inducing thought. I’ve actually had to catch myself from thinking worst possible scenarios you could bring and turn my eyes to Jesus and the hope He brings.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not only feeling anxious about you. I feel a lot of excitement, hope, passion and motivation. I’m reminding myself that whatever comes along with you, will be used for God’s glory and that excites me!

I’m not putting myself through my typical New Years torture of setting unlikely and unattainable expectations of you and of myself. I have some goals and hopes for things I’d love to accomplish during my time with you, but if 2019 taught me anything it’s that it is not healthy to hold myself to such high, strict expectations. I’ve learned that my worth isn’t based on what goals I accomplish or even how quickly they are accomplished. My worth is in Christ alone, so yes, goals are great, but putting unnecessary pressure on myself is not. If I don’t achieve my hopes/goals for 2020, that’s okay. As long as I can face the end of 2020 knowing that I grew as a person and follower of Christ, that is all that matters.

That being said, I will lay out a few of my attainable hopes and goals for the year. Perhaps if I write about them now, I will get more accountability from my community of supporters to motivate me to achieve them. My top 6 hopes for 2020 are:

  1. To grow closer to God.
  2. To write and share my life testimony and struggles with others in my circle.
  3. To stay off of social media for the entire year (using my time more wisely to pursue God).
  4. To plan and stick to a budget.
  5. To treat my body, mind and soul with love.
  6. To write more blog posts.

2020, whatever you bring me and my life story, I know God will use for His glory. You may seem daunting, scary and doubtful, but I know that if my eyes look to Jesus every day, nothing can stand in my way. I’m buckled up and as ready for this ride as I can be. Oh, and Welcome to my story!

Sincerely,
Sarah

P.S. I definitely did not mean to rhyme there at the end, but it works 😀

Goodbye 2019…

Dear 2019,

Yes, this is my break up letter with you.

It’s not you, it’s me.

Our relationship just didn’t go the way I had hoped or envisioned it. You brought me a lot more heartache, exhaustion and disappointment than I would care to admit. You also brought terrible panic attacks, ER visits, physical and mental exhaustion, depression, physical and emotional pain, financial hardship, and fractured relationships. So you can see why I am breaking up with you…

I guess you weren’t completely horrible though. You did bring me a lot of blessings such as: new friendships, a new job, vulnerability and acceptance, a closer relationship with God, self love, new diagnoses, repaired relationships, forgiveness, better physical health and so much love.

You also taught me many lessons in our time together. You taught me to love myself. Something I have needed to learn my entire life. You helped me develop my voice. Something that I felt I never had or deserved. You put me in my place and taught me to rest. You taught me that it’s not about how much money you make by the end of the year, but its about how you grew, how you were blessed and how much love you received and gave. You taught me that my God is good no matter what is happening around me. You taught me that I am loved and I am lovable. You taught me to care for myself and others in ways I never have before.

Thank you 2019. You tried to break me, and you almost succeeded; however, you only showed me how strong I am and how faithful my God is. Thank you for breaking my pride, my self hatred and my negative outlook. Thank you for the heartbreak and the pain, for it helped me to see the good and the light.

Goodbye 2019… I’ll be sure to remember you for all of the good that you brought to my life.

with love,

Sarah