According to the Oxford Dictionary, hope is a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.
At the end of 2020, I was completely out of hope. I felt hopeless in so many areas of my life, my relationships, my future, and my health.
We all know 2020 was a crappy year for everyone. The end of 2020 was exceptionally hard for me. I made excruciatingly painful decisions to put firm boundaries in place, to the point that I needed to cut one of my parents completely out of my life.
This decision left me feeling utterly hopeless. I would get asked, “what do you hope your relationship with so and so could look like?” and I would be left stunned because I had no hope left in me for something better. I couldn’t even fathom the thought of something different.
I’m not one to make new years resolutions or even pick a word of the year, but As 2020 came to a close and 2021 rolled in, I kept hearing the word hope, without the “less” attached to the end. It came to mind repeatedly. I knew in my heart that I needed to focus on the word hope for the coming year. For I knew that if I didn’t, living without hope would create a hardened, depressed heart and soul in me.
So, I unofficially, chose the word hope to represent my 2021. I’ve kept it pretty much to myself until now. I honestly had kind of forgotten that I had chosen this word to represent my year. That is until I found this (pictured below) as I was trimming a tree inside one of my accounts at work the other day.
I was instantly taken aback, and couldn’t help but smile. You see, I have been feeling rather distant from God as of late. Depression will do that to you. Earlier in the day as I was driving on my route, I began praying. Praying that the Holy Spirit would open my heart and eyes to see His love for me (I have a really hard time accepting and believing He loves me unconditionally). I prayed that He would speak to me and that I would see Him all around.
While I didn’t visually see Him or angels, I saw this. A reminder of the word that he placed on my heart just a few weeks prior as we all looked to the future. I honestly could not believe my eyes. I probably looked like a dweeb standing there reaching up into the tree to take pictures of something so small, yet so big.
It is so hard for me to have hope when our world is crashing in all around us. It is so incredibly hard for me to have hope when my relationships with the people I love the most and desperately long to be loved in, crumble. It is so hard for me to have hope when my health fluctuates and leaves me lethargic in my bed.
But I believe in a God who created the entire universe, all the way down to me and the very plants I love to care for. I believe in a savior who came as a tiny helpless human, lived a rough life, and willingly died so that I could be saved from an eternity away from my creator. These are the things I find my hope in.
I still struggle to find hope in said relationships and in the world around me, but it’s something I desperately want to work towards this year. It won’t be easy, but with little reminders like these, I know it will happen.
What are you hoping for this year? Do you have a word of the year that you are working towards? I’d love to hear about it below.
Thank you for reading my rambles.